Tomorrow, I will start a band.
We will be called Hadioread, and we will not record any songs. We will not perform at any shows.
All we will do is sit around and talk and eat chips and watch TV while our instruments sit around in the other room and talk about what they think we might be doing.
We will put posters up all around town and people will see that we are Hadioread but we won’t tell anyone about our secret gigs.
Our secret gigs will be kept secret between us band members because we won’t have any music ready and our gigs will just be us sitting around and talking and eating chips and watching TV.
People will talk about our gigs because they’ve seen our posters and seen that we are Hadioread and although our posters won’t say when or where our gigs are, people will say that they have been to our gigs to prove to other people that they are part of the in crowd.
The other people will beg them to know where our gigs are and when and what our music is like. They will say our music is amazing. Like nothing you’ve ever heard before. But they can’t confide the time and date of the next gig because they won’t know because we won’t even know.
The record labels will hear the buzz about town that Hadioread are the next big thing and they all try to find us from the posters and the people who say they’ve seen us and heard us and they will put up posters next to all our posters saying that if we go to them they will give us the best record deal ever.
We will put up posters next to their posters saying that we don’t do records. We don’t do 18 month long international tours. We don’t do stadium concerts. We don’t do pub shows. We just do secret gigs that stay secret and we don’t record albums or eps or singles.
They will put up posters next to our posters that say “why?”
We will put up posters saying that our band is not about doing contracts with record labels and selling out to our fanbase.
They will put up posters saying they’ll do anything for us. The record labels will bid against each other. They must have us. They will make us an offer for fifty million dollars for a zero album contract and a no tour, no publicity, no commitment contract.
We will go into their office and sign the contract then take down the posters then break up the band then sit around and talk and eat chips and watch TV. The new big thing will be this band called Hadioread, which will not record any songs or perform any shows and don’t have any members in the band.